ATR anybody???

How would you like to be an ATR pilot? Yes you say??? Great! You start tomorrow and your contract will look something like this:

1. Your name shall be here in after refferred to as "Alhu Kaleyge (slave)", the employee
Herein after the employer shall be reffered to as "God"
2. Alhu Kaleyge will work 6 days a week and on the 7th day you will be expected to stay overnight at a strange island.
3. During your stay at this mentioned island you shall not engage in any business whatsoever that may relax your mind or body.
4. Alhu Kaleyge will be fed via the LOWEST cost meals while your stay on the island. Should Alhu Kaleyge suffer from any food poisoning resulting from these meals you will be required to inform your superior 3 days in advance after which your plea will be processed and concluded that your actions were not upto company standards and it will be recorded in your personal file. Alhu Kaleyge will also be required to undergo a medical examination at his/her own cost.
5. You will be required to set aside all your personal emotions and feelings for the period of your contract. Your friends and family may not contact you by any means while you are on duty.
6. Flight delays for any of these reasons mentioned below shall result in INSTANT TERMINATION:
(a) taking a break for food during a 14 hour duty day and 8 hours flying.
(b) taking a break to go to the toilet
(c) checking your loadsheet for errors to make sure your flight is within limits
(d) Any other completely valid reasons that you can think of that is not mentioned above
7. During the period of your contract you shall not ask any question or try to inquire regarding any of the company's HR policies which in reality does not exist.
8. Should you wish to make any request whatsoever (regarding holiday leave, salary, son's birthday, father's death) you are required to do so well in advance. Your request will then be processed by your immediate superior who will first try to talk you out of it completely and then tell you that he has to talk to the department manager (in 2 weeks time) followed by a period of silence of further 2 weeks. Finally your request will be declined citing the clause number 5 in this contract.
9. Either party may terminate this contract at anytime provided God agrees with it first.
10. Should God feel like it he may at anytime hang Alhu Kaleyge by his feet and bitch slap him/her.
11. Salary - To be continued